Fearless

I told myself I wouldn't use this blog as an excuse to get introspective and poetic but I haven't taken any photos for a while and I'm worried I'll lose my readership (read: my mom will stop checking this) if I don't post something. Yeah right, I just feel like getting introspective and poetic.

I am a pretty fearful person. Always have been. Afraid of heights, afraid of the dark, afraid of change, afraid of not having a plan, afraid of spiders. Over the past couple of years I have slowly become less fearful, through conscious and unconscious effort. But I have always been afraid.

I have no fears here. I am watching my plans and my ideas of who I am slowly fall apart but I'm not afraid. I walk the streets here in the dark, alone, and I'm not afraid. I climb giant sand dunes and cross freezing rivers and wander into the woods without the latest in expensive gear, and I'm not afraid. Well, I was kind of afraid at the top of that dune, let's be honest here.

At the beginning of the first class of this program, Sean, our instructor, asked us if we felt free and like we could go anywhere and do anything and I said, immediately, 'no, not at all.' He looked kind of surprised (not surprisingly, he looked surprised a lot) and said that I should feel that way. But I genuinely didn't. I don't think I've even ever wanted to feel that way before. But I do now. I want that. I want to be brave and daring and inspired. I am tired of saying "I've never been there." From now on I will say "I haven't been there yet." My body is strong and my heart is full.

The longer I am here, the less I know about my future and the more I know about my present.

I feel that my work so far taught me how to fake it. But in learning how to look like I knew what I was talking about I think I forgot how to think about what I was thinking about. I am now learning how to forget how to fake it and how to just tell the truth. 

I wish Gramma and Grampa were alive so I could go and ask them about where I come from.